We had a conversation with a client yesterday, which drew out a really beautiful metaphor I’d like to share with you.
Lauren is an extremely gifted photographer who uses the camera as a tool to help her clients see themselves in ways they never have before, and in so doing helps them achieve massive transformation in their lives. But like so many conscious entrepreneurs, when it comes to the business side of things, she gets stuck, despite receiving some incredible testimonies, and having clients come to her saying “I’ll pay whatever you want”
So why is this? Why, as humans, do we have such a hard time receiving praise and payment for the work we put so much of our time and soul into? Why is the thought of working long hours for free somehow more appealing than asking for a fair exchange? Why are we willing to do invaluable work that changes lives, and yet the thought of taking the steps to make that work a sustainable business fills us with anxiety and panic?
While there are many issues wrapped up here, at the core is a deep human need for connection and belonging. We humans are a collaborative species and throughout evolution, rejection by the tribe meant almost certain death. So when we feel rejection, or the possibility of rejection, we are hard-wired to do everything we can to avoid it.
Another important part, from an evolutionary psychological perspective is that we survived and evolved as a species by learning from and remembering all the bad things that happened to us, not the good things. If a member of the tribe ate a poisonous berry and died, it was important to remember that no-one should eat that berry again, and to pass that information on to the rest of the tribe. If we heard a growling noise coming from inside a cave, it was in our best interest, as it is today, not to go into that cave.
So How Does This Relate to Asking for Money?
Firstly, we feel there is a risk that when we ask for money, that request will be rejected, and we associate that rejection with death. It sounds dramatic, but that is literally the feeling we have – if I get rejected, I will probably die. It’s not something we consciously think – of course we won’t die if someone decides not to book us for our services, but the feelings of anxiety, fear and doubt that we experience consciously, are the products of neural networks that are designed to keep us alive.
Secondly, as we are about to take this massive, existential risk of sticking our neck out and asking for money, we are naturally inclined to think of all the ways in which taking risks has gone badly in the past. We catastrophize and rile ourselves up into a state of panic, and so the natural thing to do is to ‘please’ the other person, by offering your service at an unsustainable fee, in the hope that we will be accepted without offending anyone and risking death.
Spoiler Alert: You are not going to die.
Lauren is also an avid ocean swimmer. She dives in the ocean every day as part of her self care routine. It is an important part of her life.
Every day as she takes the plunge, her body reacts to the cold in an entirely predictable way. Her skin hurts, her breath is taken away, her body is trying to tell her that her environment has changed substantially and that it may not be safe. But here’s the thing. Lauren knows that after a few short seconds, her breath will come back, her skin will acclimatise to the water, and while a few minutes ago she legitimately felt like death was not far away, now she can relax and float in the sunshine for some time. But every day, the first impulse in her body is to run back to the shore as quickly as possible.
The first time we take the plunge into the ocean, it is a big and scary thing to do. We make up all kind of excuses as to why we can’t do it. We whinge and moan and cry, but if we push through those excuses and stories, which are created by our underlying desire not to die, then we can experience the healing powers of the cold water.
Similarly, when we start building a business, our environment changes, and we experience all the same feelings – the stories and excuses before hand, the initial shock as we take that step and change our physical environment, the visceral reaction to the impending doom of rejection…but then we find ourselves on the other side, and that is a wonderful place to be – a healing place where we are validated for the incredible work we do, and our business looks after us, rather than the other way around.
Because here’s the thing – your clients receive the value that you place on your services. If you charge $50, they will receive exactly $50 of value. If you charge $5,000 for the exact same service, they will receive $5,000 of value. By not charging properly for your services, you reduce the impact it has on your clients, which impacts the likelihood of referrals, and the enthusiasm you have for your business.
Conversely, when your clients make a financial commitment to you, they are making a commitment to themselves. A commitment to show up fully and to extract maximum value from their engagement with you.
We’ve all experienced signing up for a free webinar, or downloading a $7 ebook, and then not showing up, or watching it in the background. Then we get nothing from it, we assume the provider/teacher/coach is crap, and move our attention elsewhere. What we don’t realise is that the material they cover in the $7 ebook is the exact same stuff they cover in their $20,000 mastermind, which creates epic transformations for people.
So how do we get to a place where asking for what we deserve is fun and easy, where clients commit to themselves at a high enough level that they will derive maximum benefit from your services, and where you don’t have to worry about where your rent is going to come from?
Imagine you are inviting someone to your kid’s birthday party. The conversation would go something like this:
“We’re having a party for Toby this weekend, it’s going to be great. There will be a bouncy castle, a magician, and some awesome punch for the adults. It would be great if you can make it! If you can’t, no worries, we will have a great time anyway and we’ll send you photos.”
In this situation, we are not attached to the outcome – whatever happens, we will have an awesome party, the kids will have fun, and the adults will get a bit tipsy. It makes no difference whether the person comes or doesn’t come. And importantly, the person we are inviting doesn’t feel pressured. They know what’s up, and what their commitment will be, and they make a choice. Simple as that.
And this is the approach we need to take when proposing to clients – I’d love to work with you, your life will change if we do work together, and if you don’t want to, that’s great too.
But it is also important to get into the ocean. A great way to do that is to play the “No Game”. If we make “No” the goal, then we can propose whatever number we want. You can propose $500,000 for a 1 hour meeting over coffee…because you know you will get the result you want – No. And every time you say a number in a proposal to a client, you get more comfortable saying that number. Every time. With each proposal, you get more used to the temperature of the water. Your breath comes back just a bit. If you set out to get 100 “No’s”, I guarantee you will get some yeses, and you will be surprised at how quickly your rates, your results, and your reviews will go through the roof. And you’ll find that all of a sudden you are quite comfortable floating in the ocean in the sunshine.
Photo by Lauren Cryder
Check out Lauren’s work here
https://www.instagram.com/thelifeoflau/