You haven’t heard much from me in December, intentionally.
I’ve been in the UK, spending time with friends and family, reconnecting after nearly three years away.
It has been a magical time, meeting three new family members for the first time, eating far too much and not doing any exercise at all.
A relentless march from meal to meal, exactly the sort of indulgence one expects at this time of year!
Of course though, in amongst all the celebration and fun times, there has been some sadness.
Spending so much time with family inevitably brings up some old stuff, and it has been a powerful time for me to revisit those family patterns through a new lens.
What has struck me the most though is something I don’t talk about much, which is the impact that boarding school had on me, and specifically the visceral ‘back to school’ feeling that comes with saying goodbye.
Over the last few days, one by one I’ve been saying goodbye to the family. It’s been hard. There have been lots of tears.
But as I sit on the plane at Heathrow writing this, I’m reflecting on how this experience has already re-written the back to school story.
Because I’m not going back to school. I’m not being forced onto this plane against my will, with no choice or agency.
I’m not going to be starved of affection for the next three months, and punished if my tie isn’t done up properly.
No. This is my choice. It is my life that I am creating. I’m travelling back to my mountains. To a partner who loves me and shares my love of nature.
I’m more excited about the work year ahead, and the future in general than I have ever been.
I am creating life on my terms. And as sad as it is to say goodbye to my family, I am also saying goodbye to so much more.
I’m saying goodbye, once again, to the ‘life is happening to me’ story that ruled so much of my childhood and early adulthood.
I’ve cleared out a whole bunch of old stuff both physically and emotionally – payslips and documents from my first jobs, old clothes, and random things that were all, on some level, holding me captive in that energy.
But most of all, I’m teaching my body and soul that saying goodbye is exciting. That even though it hurts, adventure awaits.
I’m writing this for anyone who is currently or has recently said goodbye for whatever reason.
For anyone who might need to hear it.
But mostly for me.
I see you. I feel you. And I’m here for you.