If you really think about it, how many words do you use to describe how you are feeling? Three? Four?
For most of us, we go no further than happy, sad, and stressed, or some variation of those. For some, it is simply ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
But the english language has over 3000 words to describe emotions, and other cultures have emotions for which there are no english words; for example in japan there is a word for “that sort of painful, sort of bittersweet, sort of wistful feeling you get looking out the window or driving at night or listening to a far-off train whistle”
Emotional vocabulary (or emotional granularity) is about being more accurate with your descriptions of how you feel.
So why is it important to differentiate between excitement and anticipation? Anger and fear? Or confusion and shock?
1. There are no ‘Good’ or ‘Bad’ emotions
When we label emotions as good or bad, we add a moral component to a physical sensation.
This creates a story about the person feeling that emotion, either ourselves or another person, which in turn leads us to label the person as ‘good’ or ‘bad’.
Billy is always angry, and anger is bad, therefore Billy is bad and I don’t like spending time with him.
But emotions are simply messages from the body. They are signposts designed to move us into action.
Just like the pain you feel when you put your hand on a hot stove is a signpost to move your hand, feeling shame, or fear, or joy is nothing more than a signpost pointing towards how aligned you are with your values.
So while there is nothing inherently ‘bad’ about feeling anger or shame, they are indicators that something is out of alignment, and that something in your situation needs to change.
2. Distinctions give us power
I wrote the other day about the sommelier whose vast knowledge about wine enables them to charge top rates.
In the same way, being able to distinguish between, and importantly to name the different emotional states we find ourselves in gives us significant power over the way we feel.
While being able to identify the difference between the feeling of pessimism and disillusionment by itself is unlikely to earn you a huge salary, there are two very different courses of action from each of those places.
If you are feeling pessimistic about life you might want to start thinking about where negativity is coming from in your life and how to stay away from it. Or to look at the difficult situation and ask “what can I learn from this?”
While disillusionment might be a springboard into action – You could ask yourself “What can I do to change this situation?
However if the only distinction you have is ‘happy’ or ‘sad’, then there’s really nothing you can do with that, other than try to numb the pain with ice-cream, a movie, porn or alcohol.
When I can be more accurate with the words we use to describe the feelings we are experiencing, I give my body much better clues about what might have caused that particular feeling, and what I need to do about it.
3. Emotional vocabulary and relationship
This is a big one guys.
I’m sure everyone reading this has had the experience of a friend, partner or family member doing something that ‘stresses me out’ or ‘pisses me off’.
Maybe they are always messaging their friends when you are together. Or maybe there’s a particular tone in their voice. Or maybe they are unkind to strangers.
Whatever it is, how often do you ask yourself how their actions actually make you feel?
In the same way that it is very difficult for me to know what to do to change things if I just label my feelings as ‘stressed’, it is also impossible for anyone else to know what to do.
However if I can communicate to you that I feel abandoned when you spend your time messaging your friends, or embarrassed when you shout at the waiter, or afraid that I’ve upset you when you use that tone of voice, then it gives us both power.
Whereas just telling you that you are stressing me out gives you no information to go on, either to change your actions or to start a conversation about it.
Susan David says:
“When we invite greater levels of emotional granularity into our lives and into the way we describe our experience we start automatically creating greater levels of space maybe not in that one fight in the instance but over the experience that we’re having that is incredibly important”
If you can’t articulate clearly what you’re feeling then neither can your partner, yet we expect our partners to be mind readers and understand every emotion that we’re experiencing before we even say it.
SO HOW DO YOU INCREASE YOUR EMOTIONAL VOCABULARY?
1. Use this emotional vocabulary table from Harvard Business Review
It lists several alternatives under each of the 7 main emotions.
The first step is simply to go one layer deeper. When you think to yourself, “I’m feeling stressed out” or “I’m sad”, ask yourself “what are two other options for what this could be?”
You might be surprised at the breadth of your emotions — or that you’ve unearthed a deeper emotion buried beneath the more obvious one.
2. Get intentional about how you want to feel
Pick an emotion from the table, and set an intention to experience that emotion through the day.
Start to notice where it shows up, start to see if you can find it in unexpected places or situations.
3. Create space for feeling
All too often we don’t give ourselves time to actually notice and experience what we are feeling.
In her book, 90 seconds to a life you love, Dr. Joan Rosenberg explains how by simply being with an emotion for just 90 seconds, without running away from it or trying to change it, you allow your body to process and deal with that emotion.
Emotions are literally energy in motion, and when we prevent ourselves from feeling challenging emotions, we block the flow of energy, but by allowing ourselves to feel, the energy will move all by itself, and in as little as 90 seconds you will naturally start to feel differently.
4. Chat with me (or another coach)
Doing this work by yourself can be difficult.
A coach will be able to ask you questions that challenge your thinking and encourage new ideas, and a lot of what I do is specifically around helping my clients better understand themselves and what it feels like to be them.
A coach will also be able to direct you towards certain practices or actions that can help to steer you away from the more challenging emotions towards more pleasurable ones.
A coach will be able to point out inconsistencies and limitations in the language you use, not only around the way you feel, but also the way you show up in your life.
Awareness of these inconsistencies puts you at choice – it gives you the power to make a different choice in each moment, if you feel that your current course of action isn’t serving you.
If any of this is landing for you, I would be delighted to chat with you, just send me an email at [email protected] 🙂